nonsense — Brute Norse

As a Norse educator with 30 years of experience (life experience), and a Norwegian, but first and foremost as a follower of the old ways, I know perfectly well that Iron Age Scandinavia was home to the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. You don't need to tell me, I'm here to tell you, that the 6th century Byzantine historian Jordanes hit the nail right on the head when he called Scandinavia as, and I quote, “the womb of nations”. Dare I even say this womb doubled as the cradle to all civilizations? I do, and like all children, these cultures are all snotty ingrates. What good every came from the shithole called “the Mediterranean”, to not even speak of the near East.

Of course, the denizens of my ancestral lands were also famed for their impeccable style, aristocrats of the soul as they were. This should surprise nobody, for they were forward thinking Pagans all, who lived and died in honor, well versed and familiar with concepts too advanced for the unwashed dunces of Christian nations to fully comprehend.

Your god was nailed to the cross? Well mine has a hammer, just saying ;) Besides, where have all those frost giants gone?

Iconography harvested from a wide range of Ancient Origins suggests that Vikings and their ancestors, which would also make them my ancestors, mastered not only sailing, but also the noble art of cutting hair. This proves beyond the shadow of a doubt what the Vatican has been trying to hide for a thousand years: That the Vikings were the most technologically (and aesthetically) advanced culture the world has ever seen. Other Viking innovations include interstellar travel (some have even said our gods came from space), total equality of the sexes (they even allowed men on the battlefield), and social democracy, but that's a digression. It is all proven in many self-published volumes.

Today we shall look at how they used their supreme seafaring skills to impress and outcompete the fashions of every people they encountered, as demonstrated in five hairstyles. Prepare to be inspired! Skol!!!

1. The Golden Boy Curtained Bowl Cut

15 square millimeters of pure heartthrob. These gullgubber sport a timeless curtained mushroom bowl cut that is sure to singe the loins of even the iciest chieftain's daughter. Don't forget to ask her father's permission, and be on the watch! With that smooth chin he might not be adverse to your boyish charms himself. Just don't find yourself on the receiving end of any tomfoolery, because that would be unmanly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Though not as prevalant today, this ancient hairdo still adorns the noggins of Joe & The Juice employees, Korean stage performers, and Australian backpackers the world over.

2. The Berserker Flattop

Swept off the cliff like a Faeroese toddler, this dude hails from the isle of Bornholm, mustard capitol of the North. Usually these gold foils are portrayed in profile, but that would hardly give credit to his chiseled bog iron frame. No sir, this bad boy is depicted en face (as in: en your face).

This hairdo offers ample servings of absolutely no fucks given, suggestive of a personality prone to swinging roundhouse kicks at the longhouse wall, continuously flexing and/or kissing his magnificent biceps, all the while crunching drinking horn after drinking horn as he erases your mom's maiden name. Hung like Odin on the windy tree, this dude looks just as home harrassing an Estonian fishing village as he would lifting truck tires in the woods.

3. The Norman Yoke

The hairdo that destroyed Anglo-Saxon England! This equestrian fringe (that means it looks like a horse) is one of Norse culture's greatest contributions to continental society, as proven by its adoption by the Norman elites, as well as 90’s Dutch gabber culture. It takes some self-esteem to pull off this look, and that, my friends, will get the knees to buckle and quiver on your enemies and lovers alike.

Sure, your dad might not approve, but don't worry, neither did countless Anglo-Saxon parents either, as the scribe Ælfric wrote around the year 1000: «I also say to you, brother Edward, now that you have asked me for this, that you do wrong in that you abandon the English customs which your fathers observed and love the customs of the heathen people who did not give life to you and by doing so you reveal that you despise your kindred and your ancestors by such evil customs when you dress in insult to them in Danish fashion, with bared necks and blinded eyes.»

So let there be no question of the ancient roots and provenance of this equine haircut. Let it also stand as the final answer to the question of whether or not the vikings got high. They were evidently raving and pillaging every drug cabinet between Dorestad and al-Andalus.

4. The West Fold

It is famous and true that North America was discovered by Norse exiles, but few are aware that they were just trying to find some decent avocado toast. Oseberg or Williamsburg, what’s difference anyway? Besides, we can thank some Brooklyn witch for finding the Oseberg ship in the first place, and its residents are as unwanted in their homeland as the original Norse settlers were. Exactly how deep does this rabbit hole go? Either way, the west fold cut in any variation is only complete with a thin, neatly kept mustache in the style of the aboriginal Trønders of Middle Norway. This is my style at the time of writing, and I can only conclude that Norway should contest the USA's territorial claim on this bank of the East River.

5. The Heathen Visionary

Last but not least: Always be yourself, even if you are a total nutter. It doesn’t matter how you style yourself, Norse culture valued total individualism, second only to the value they put on total submission to your extended family. Admittedly, this overtly casual style requires the least maintenance and preparation, but it will certainly give you a characteristic, sage-like look without trying to impress anybody. Whether you are hoarding gold in the swamp to save yourself from the Justinian plague, pondering the endless intellectual depth of neanderthals (the only race that could ever compete with the Norse), sitting in a cave praying for nuclear strikes to decimate the global population, or any other noble pursuit. If not a full-fledged cult following, a full beard and greasy hair is sure to earn you friends according to the principle of quality over quantity. If they can't handle you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best! That’s what my wife says anyway.

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